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Talladega Nights Baby Jesus Biography
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby is a 2006 film about the #1 NASCAR driver, who stays atop the heap thanks to a pact with his best friend and teammate. But when a French Formula One driver makes his way up the ladder, his talent and devotion are put to the test.
[running around on the track in his underwear, thinking he is on fire] Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!
I sent in my application to The Real World, so I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. And if that doesn't work out I'm thinking about getting a gun, and dealin' crack. Being a crack dealer. Not, like, a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly, like, "Hey, what's up guys? You want some crack?". I'm just kinda waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out.
Dear Lord Baby Jesus, we'd also like to thank you for my wife’s father Chip. We hope that you can use your baby Jesus powers to heal him and his horrible leg. It smells terrible and the dogs are always bothering with it...
Dear Lord Baby Jesus, lying there in your...your little ghost manger, lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental...videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors...
Hang on, Baby Jesus, this is gon' get bumpy!
Hey, Jamie! Losing's never fun, but here's a little something to pick your spirits up... (flips bird) It's real nice...I got it at Target...it was on sale.
[driving his first race] Hey, Lucius, I just wanted to share a piece of personal information with you. I've got a...a chubby right now because THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE BECAUSE I'M GETTIN' TO DRIVE A RACECAR I CAN'T BELIEVE IT OH MY GOD!!!
[Looking under the hood of his race car] Hot dog! I mean, that's like lookin' up Yasmine Bleeth's skirt!
Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady part stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use...Maypax. The official tampon of NASCAR.
You gotta win to get love. I mean, that's just life. Look at...look at Don Shula. Legendary coach. Look at that Asian guy who holds the world record for eatin' all those hot dogs in a row. Look at Rue McClanahan. From The Golden Girls. Three people, all great champions, all loved.
Mr. Dennit, with all due respect, and remember I'm sayin' with all due respect, that idea ain't worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin gettin' it on.
[edit]From Ricky and Cal's Commercials
[doing a Big Red commercial] My friends used to call me Big Red, but I told 'em "Stop it!" 'cause there's only one Big Red in town, America's number 1 cinnamon gum. What? What did you say? That's what I thought.
I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then [bleep] you.
Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is right around the corner, and what better gift to give a loved one [pulls out knife] than this Jackhawk 9000. Available at Wal-Mart!
When you work on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you need the right tools too. That's why you should use [is tossed a box of tampons] Maypax. The official tampon of NASCAR.
[edit]Cal Naughton, Jr.
I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt. 'Cause it says like, I wanna be formal but I’m here to party too. I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.
Now, I've got a message for all the other drivers out there. If you smell a delicious, crispy smell after the race, it's not your tailpipe. It's just a little of Shake...and Bake!
[after Girard breaks Ricky's arm] Hold on a second, Mr. Fancy-Pants Foreigner. You just broke my bro's arm. Now you're 'bout to get tasered. Say hello to Dr. Watts!
[to Ricky, in the hospital] There's somethin' I want to get off my chest. It's about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread, man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff...I was totally nude...it was weird. I mean, you probably didn't hear about it 'cause I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow...that I spread my buttcheeks as
I like to think of Jesus like a muscular trapeze artist.
I like to think of Jesus like a dirty old bum. He's comin' up to me, and I'm 'bout to sock him one, cause, you know, he's a dirty old bum, but then I say, "Wait a minute, there's something... I don't know, special about this guy."
I like to think of Jesus like a shapeshifter, or a changeling, like that guy--You ever hear of that TV show Manimal?
We go together like Easter mornin' and Lyme Disease.
We go together like suits of armor and electrical storms.
I'm just sayin' we click, you know? We're like skateboardin' and freeway ramps.
We go together like pigs and swimmin'.
We go together like tuna fish and cigarettes.
We go together like campin' trips and head lice.
We go together like square dancin' and handguns. Right?
Don't make me bring the darkness. [pulls out taser]
We go together like cocaine and waffles.
If you ain't first, you're last!
[Getting thrown out of Ricky's school] You people are in the wrong on this one! So in the wrong! This is egregious! You hear me? Egregious!
I saw what happened to you in that race. You saw the fear. You need to learn to drive with the fear, and there ain't nothin' more goddamn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car.
Hey, close the door and come in. I got weed in here, cowboy.
[to Ricky who is delivering pizza on a bike] Hey, is that a Huffy? That's a nice-lookin' bike, boy!
Hell, Ricky, I was high when I said that! That makes no sense at all! "First or last"! I mean, you could be second, third, fourth--hell, you could even be fifth!
Daddy, you made that grace your bitch.
I like to think of Jesus like a ninja, fightin' off evil samurai.
[as Ricky attempts to pass Girard in a race] Send that weird man back to Indonesia!
You're gonna break us like wild horses, ain't you?
[edit]From unrated version
Greatest generation my ass, Tom Brokaw is a punk!
Grandfather, can't we resolve this conflict without anger?
[Shouting at a neighbor's house] Shut those mutts up before I cook 'em and eat 'em!
What you lookin' at, Popeye?
Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!
Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!
One'a you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!
[throwing away their junk] Aw, Nana, not my prison shank.
You look old, Granny, are you gonna die today?
[eating at Applebee's] It's Applebee-riffic!
Glenn
[about being a pit crew member] Sorry, Lucius, but it's a hard habit to break, like stalking an ex-girlfriend.
Peaches and cream!
Ricky, this car is like your Excalibur, the mighty sword King Arthur used to bring together the knights of the roundtable, until Lancelot betrayed him by laying with his queen [whispering] in the biblical sense.
[After Ricky has stabbed himself in the leg] Here, we'll use this knife to pry the other one out!
[As Ricky races for the first time] Just remember this, Ricky: you wreck that car, that's $200,000 out of your pocket!
Glenn, shut up.
Sometimes, when it's late at night, I dress up like Donna Summers. I put on the skirt, and the four inch heels...I love it. [singing] Last chance, for romance, for love.....
Reese Bobby: [walks into the classroom] Excuse me, darlin'. I'm Reese Bobby. I'm here for career day.
10 year old Ricky Bobby: Dad!
Reese Bobby: Hey there, boy! Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months?
10 year old Ricky Bobby: Ten years.
Reese Bobby: Ten years? Man! I gotta lay off the peyote. [puts a cigarette in his mouth]
Ricky's teacher: Mr. Bobby, there's no smoking in here.
Reese Bobby: Oh, it's all right, darlin'. I'm a volunteer fireman. Okay, I am a semi-professional racecar driver and an amateur tattoo artist. [Children makes "oohs" and "aahs"] And the first thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be a racecar driver, is you don't listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher.
Ricky's teacher: Okay, I think that's enough...
Reese Bobby: See, the teacher wants you to go slow, but she's wrong, 'cause it's the fastest who gets paid and it's the fastest who gets laid. [Children cheer; Reese nods] Aw, yeah.
[Cut to Reese being thrown out by a group of janitors; Ricky's class follows them]
Reese Bobby: You people are in the wrong on this one! So in the wrong! This is egregious! You hear me? Egregious! [Points at a janitor] We were cellmates together, Andy! You got payback comin'! [To Ricky] Don't listen to these people, Ricky! You're a winner! If you ain't first, you're last!
[Reese jumps in his #13 Chevelle and speeds away; the children all cheer again.]
10 year old Ricky Bobby: If you ain't first, your last...
[Early in their careers, Cal and Ricky are pit crewmen; their driver quits during the race]
Glen: It's not always bad to be in last place. Here's some things we can focus on: One, we tried hard. And two, we're still dear friends!
Lucius Washington: Glenn, shut up. Listen, if we don't get that car back on the track, our sponsors are gonna shit a chicken. Now, is there anyone out there who wants to go fast?
Ricky Bobby: [raising his hand] I wanna go fast!
Ricky Bobby: How was school today, boys?
Walker Bobby: I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip's war medals off the bridge. [Chip is startled]
Ricky Bobby: Sounds like a good day. How 'bout you, TR?
Texas Ranger Bobby: Well, the teacher asked me what was the capitol of North Carolina. I said Washington D.C.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Bingo!
Ricky Bobby: Nice.
Texas Ranger Bobby: And she said 'No, you're wrong.' I said 'You got a lumpy butt!' She got mad at me and yelled at me, and I pissed in my pants. And I never did change my pee pants all day, I'm still sittin' in my dirty pee pants.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that.
Talladega Nights Baby Jesus Biography
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby is a 2006 film about the #1 NASCAR driver, who stays atop the heap thanks to a pact with his best friend and teammate. But when a French Formula One driver makes his way up the ladder, his talent and devotion are put to the test.
[running around on the track in his underwear, thinking he is on fire] Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!
I sent in my application to The Real World, so I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. And if that doesn't work out I'm thinking about getting a gun, and dealin' crack. Being a crack dealer. Not, like, a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly, like, "Hey, what's up guys? You want some crack?". I'm just kinda waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out.
Dear Lord Baby Jesus, we'd also like to thank you for my wife’s father Chip. We hope that you can use your baby Jesus powers to heal him and his horrible leg. It smells terrible and the dogs are always bothering with it...
Dear Lord Baby Jesus, lying there in your...your little ghost manger, lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental...videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors...
Hang on, Baby Jesus, this is gon' get bumpy!
Hey, Jamie! Losing's never fun, but here's a little something to pick your spirits up... (flips bird) It's real nice...I got it at Target...it was on sale.
[driving his first race] Hey, Lucius, I just wanted to share a piece of personal information with you. I've got a...a chubby right now because THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE BECAUSE I'M GETTIN' TO DRIVE A RACECAR I CAN'T BELIEVE IT OH MY GOD!!!
[Looking under the hood of his race car] Hot dog! I mean, that's like lookin' up Yasmine Bleeth's skirt!
Hey. I'm Ricky Bobby. When you're workin' on your mysterious lady part stuff, you should have the right tools too. That's why you should use...Maypax. The official tampon of NASCAR.
You gotta win to get love. I mean, that's just life. Look at...look at Don Shula. Legendary coach. Look at that Asian guy who holds the world record for eatin' all those hot dogs in a row. Look at Rue McClanahan. From The Golden Girls. Three people, all great champions, all loved.
Mr. Dennit, with all due respect, and remember I'm sayin' with all due respect, that idea ain't worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin gettin' it on.
[edit]From Ricky and Cal's Commercials
[doing a Big Red commercial] My friends used to call me Big Red, but I told 'em "Stop it!" 'cause there's only one Big Red in town, America's number 1 cinnamon gum. What? What did you say? That's what I thought.
I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then [bleep] you.
Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is right around the corner, and what better gift to give a loved one [pulls out knife] than this Jackhawk 9000. Available at Wal-Mart!
When you work on your mysterious lady parts and stuff, you need the right tools too. That's why you should use [is tossed a box of tampons] Maypax. The official tampon of NASCAR.
[edit]Cal Naughton, Jr.
I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt. 'Cause it says like, I wanna be formal but I’m here to party too. I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.
Now, I've got a message for all the other drivers out there. If you smell a delicious, crispy smell after the race, it's not your tailpipe. It's just a little of Shake...and Bake!
[after Girard breaks Ricky's arm] Hold on a second, Mr. Fancy-Pants Foreigner. You just broke my bro's arm. Now you're 'bout to get tasered. Say hello to Dr. Watts!
[to Ricky, in the hospital] There's somethin' I want to get off my chest. It's about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread, man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff...I was totally nude...it was weird. I mean, you probably didn't hear about it 'cause I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow...that I spread my buttcheeks as
I like to think of Jesus like a muscular trapeze artist.
I like to think of Jesus like a dirty old bum. He's comin' up to me, and I'm 'bout to sock him one, cause, you know, he's a dirty old bum, but then I say, "Wait a minute, there's something... I don't know, special about this guy."
I like to think of Jesus like a shapeshifter, or a changeling, like that guy--You ever hear of that TV show Manimal?
We go together like Easter mornin' and Lyme Disease.
We go together like suits of armor and electrical storms.
I'm just sayin' we click, you know? We're like skateboardin' and freeway ramps.
We go together like pigs and swimmin'.
We go together like tuna fish and cigarettes.
We go together like campin' trips and head lice.
We go together like square dancin' and handguns. Right?
Don't make me bring the darkness. [pulls out taser]
We go together like cocaine and waffles.
If you ain't first, you're last!
[Getting thrown out of Ricky's school] You people are in the wrong on this one! So in the wrong! This is egregious! You hear me? Egregious!
I saw what happened to you in that race. You saw the fear. You need to learn to drive with the fear, and there ain't nothin' more goddamn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car.
Hey, close the door and come in. I got weed in here, cowboy.
[to Ricky who is delivering pizza on a bike] Hey, is that a Huffy? That's a nice-lookin' bike, boy!
Hell, Ricky, I was high when I said that! That makes no sense at all! "First or last"! I mean, you could be second, third, fourth--hell, you could even be fifth!
Daddy, you made that grace your bitch.
I like to think of Jesus like a ninja, fightin' off evil samurai.
[as Ricky attempts to pass Girard in a race] Send that weird man back to Indonesia!
You're gonna break us like wild horses, ain't you?
[edit]From unrated version
Greatest generation my ass, Tom Brokaw is a punk!
Grandfather, can't we resolve this conflict without anger?
[Shouting at a neighbor's house] Shut those mutts up before I cook 'em and eat 'em!
What you lookin' at, Popeye?
Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!
Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!
One'a you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!
[throwing away their junk] Aw, Nana, not my prison shank.
You look old, Granny, are you gonna die today?
[eating at Applebee's] It's Applebee-riffic!
Glenn
[about being a pit crew member] Sorry, Lucius, but it's a hard habit to break, like stalking an ex-girlfriend.
Peaches and cream!
Ricky, this car is like your Excalibur, the mighty sword King Arthur used to bring together the knights of the roundtable, until Lancelot betrayed him by laying with his queen [whispering] in the biblical sense.
[After Ricky has stabbed himself in the leg] Here, we'll use this knife to pry the other one out!
[As Ricky races for the first time] Just remember this, Ricky: you wreck that car, that's $200,000 out of your pocket!
Glenn, shut up.
Sometimes, when it's late at night, I dress up like Donna Summers. I put on the skirt, and the four inch heels...I love it. [singing] Last chance, for romance, for love.....
Reese Bobby: [walks into the classroom] Excuse me, darlin'. I'm Reese Bobby. I'm here for career day.
10 year old Ricky Bobby: Dad!
Reese Bobby: Hey there, boy! Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months?
10 year old Ricky Bobby: Ten years.
Reese Bobby: Ten years? Man! I gotta lay off the peyote. [puts a cigarette in his mouth]
Ricky's teacher: Mr. Bobby, there's no smoking in here.
Reese Bobby: Oh, it's all right, darlin'. I'm a volunteer fireman. Okay, I am a semi-professional racecar driver and an amateur tattoo artist. [Children makes "oohs" and "aahs"] And the first thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be a racecar driver, is you don't listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher.
Ricky's teacher: Okay, I think that's enough...
Reese Bobby: See, the teacher wants you to go slow, but she's wrong, 'cause it's the fastest who gets paid and it's the fastest who gets laid. [Children cheer; Reese nods] Aw, yeah.
[Cut to Reese being thrown out by a group of janitors; Ricky's class follows them]
Reese Bobby: You people are in the wrong on this one! So in the wrong! This is egregious! You hear me? Egregious! [Points at a janitor] We were cellmates together, Andy! You got payback comin'! [To Ricky] Don't listen to these people, Ricky! You're a winner! If you ain't first, you're last!
[Reese jumps in his #13 Chevelle and speeds away; the children all cheer again.]
10 year old Ricky Bobby: If you ain't first, your last...
[Early in their careers, Cal and Ricky are pit crewmen; their driver quits during the race]
Glen: It's not always bad to be in last place. Here's some things we can focus on: One, we tried hard. And two, we're still dear friends!
Lucius Washington: Glenn, shut up. Listen, if we don't get that car back on the track, our sponsors are gonna shit a chicken. Now, is there anyone out there who wants to go fast?
Ricky Bobby: [raising his hand] I wanna go fast!
Ricky Bobby: How was school today, boys?
Walker Bobby: I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip's war medals off the bridge. [Chip is startled]
Ricky Bobby: Sounds like a good day. How 'bout you, TR?
Texas Ranger Bobby: Well, the teacher asked me what was the capitol of North Carolina. I said Washington D.C.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Bingo!
Ricky Bobby: Nice.
Texas Ranger Bobby: And she said 'No, you're wrong.' I said 'You got a lumpy butt!' She got mad at me and yelled at me, and I pissed in my pants. And I never did change my pee pants all day, I'm still sittin' in my dirty pee pants.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that.
Talladega Nights Baby Jesus
Talladega Nights Baby Jesus
Talladega Nights Baby Jesus
Talladega Nights Baby Jesus
Talladega Nights Baby Jesus
Talladega Nights Baby Jesus
Talladega Nights Baby Jesus
Talladega Nights Baby Jesus
Talladega Nights Baby Jesus
Talladega Nights Baby Jesus
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